


Euphoria

by smoresies



Series: Flowercrown [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, First Person, M/M, So do I, True Love, flower symbology, i'm emotional, obito has a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:50:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoresies/pseuds/smoresies
Summary: Sequel to Unrequited.The continued story of Obito and his feelings to Deidara. And how life is a bitch and doesn't do what you want it to.





	Euphoria

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, I really wanted this to be a happy ending but it's not and I just...
> 
> I have a lot of feelings.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the angst.

For the longest time, I assumed that once I finally garnered the attention of Deidara, everything would be different. That things wouldn't hurt as bad if I just got him to look in my direction for just a moment, the sun would never set from the sky, the birds wouldn't stop singing and I would finally feel like the ache in my heart was filled. 

That wasn't the case. 

I suppose it was silly of me to think someone like Deidara would stick around for long but I just couldn't help but hope. 

Now I'm standing on an empty field, with a wilted flower in my hands, thinking of everything that could've been that didn't happen. And I couldn't get that pesky word out of my mind either. 

Euphoria.

***

The walk back to the hideout seemed to take forever. Deidara stood in front of me fiddling with clay in his hands. Several times he fumbled with it, cursing that he couldn't get it right and would blow it up. 

I stayed quiet.

A whole part of me assumed that after the alcohol wore off, he would back out of his determination to try and garner the attention from the Jashinist, but that didn't happen. He seemed even more adamant about doing so now and I just nodded along and let him do what he needed to do. 

When we stopped to rest, he was too immersed in his clay workings that he didn't question why I wasn't talking to him. I watched his hands move in such a special precision that he hadn't done at all before. He was taking his time, this was special. There was a bitter taste in my mouth knowing that he was making something for Hidan, but again I didn't say anything.

The daffodil was wilted and the stench of decay had gotten hold of it, the beautiful vibrant yellow of the flower now taken over by a sticky, dried out brown color. I hadn't thrown it away, I kept it with me as a reminder. 

Oddly enough, the flower I picked for Deidara was still vibrant as ever and it poked out of his pocket. I didn't know why he kept it, but he did and that filled me with enough warmth to have me push passed the gnawing feeling of loneliness I felt when Deidara's eyes weren't directed at me and on that blob of clay instead.

My gloved finger nails dug into the dirt and I told Deidara I would take the first watch to let him sleep first. He told me to go to bed because he was busy, it needed to be perfect, and my heart broke even more.

Instead of sleeping, the only thing that found me was Deidara's face and I wasn't sure if it was better if I slept or just laid awake and stared at him as the fire danced across his face using shadows to manipulate the level of innocence that shouldn't have been seen on the face of an S ranked criminal. 

I wasn't tired when I saw Deidara pull out more clay and add onto his sculpture.  
I wasn't tired when I noticed the way Deidara stuck his tongue out in the sweetest way, to lick the corner of his upper lip as he concentrated.  
I wasn't tired when Deidara smiled at the sculpture for the first time since he started it.  
I wasn't tired when he 'woke me up' to start my shift so he could sleep.  
I wasn't tired when I watched the relaxed expression on his face as he drifted off into a peaceful dream.  
But suddenly I was exhausted with so many emotions and feelings when in his sleep he smiled and a murmur that sounded a lot like Hidan's name fell from Deidara's lips.

But I didn't sleep.

When I slept it was worse. It was worse to be stuck in something I could only describe as Infinite Tsukuyomi. A dream world where everything was exactly how I wanted it. Deidara would sweetly say my name-my real name, instead of the scathing way he would say my false name. 

Sometimes I could still feel the way he hung on my shoulders when he hugged me when I woke up and it would be so realistic, I would honestly think for a while that his body conformed to mine as perfectly as it would've in a dream world. 

When Deidara woke up and saw me, his face lit up and he showed me his sculpture he'd been working so hard on. With a shaky hand I reached for it and saw how it made him look uncomfortable, so I stopped. I nodded at it and he honestly smiled. It was such a beautiful smile I found it hard to breathe for a second. 

"It looks just like him." I said and clapped my hands with false bravado. "He will love it for sure, senpai~!" Deidara glanced down at the sculpture with a satisfied nod and carefully put it away.

A part of me wanted to ask him if he was going to blow it up, I wanted the thing blown up, it was just a reminder that I wasn't the one with Deidara's affections, it was Hidan. That made my heart burn with jealousy and I didn't care for the feeling at all. 

Then I thought about the implication of Deidara not blowing up the statue. He believed it wasn't truly beautiful unless it exploded, so what was the correct way to think at this point? Should I want him to make it true art, or did I want it there, taunting me, showing me that no matter what, I wouldn't be good enough for Deidara to mold with his calloused hands? 

The entire walk I was in a daze, only making half-hearted comments that Deidara brushed off because he was in too good of a mood. I bit the inside of my cheek and when we saw the outline of the Akatsuki cave, I felt my shoulders deflate. Why? Because in my mind, anyone would be lucky to have Deidara, there was no part of me that thought Hidan wouldn't return his affections.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna go, hm. Wish me luck." Deidara said and took in a deep breath.

"Please, senpai." I said and he turned to face me with a look of confusion.

"Please?"

"Let me know what he says, silly senpai!" His confusion faded and a forced cocky smirk took its place. 

"Yeah, alright. Thanks Tobi, will do." With that he walked inside. I saw his form disappear into the darkness and my chest ached and suddenly I was heaving into the bushes. 

When the bile was released from my stomach I stared at the bark from the tree and wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my cloak, putting my mask on securely. The sky was beginning to change colors and I wasn't sure if the room Deidara and I shared was the place I wanted to be at that point.

As I wandered around the trees near the hideout I began to think on how it would be okay if Hidan and Deidara dated. Then I wouldn't have these pent up feelings towards someone who wasn't in a relationship. If Deidara was taken, it would mean that I could get over these feelings without having that nagging feeling of If I told him things could change. They can't change. I wouldn't even know what to do. 

No, everything would be better if Deidara was with Hidan. I would be able to get over Deidara better that way. 

And in the weirdest, most self deprecating way, I wished the best for Deidara and Hidan.

I didn't know how long I was walking outside for, but the sky was black and I saw a figure sitting off the edge of a cliff. That was usually where Deidara sat when he was setting off explosions. It was an open canyon that let the explosions reach enormous heights. Deidara loved to scatter bombs through the canyon and watch the domino like effect they had. On more than one occasion he brought me out here to watch them with him.

There was a pull that brought me to his side and I sat down, looking at the fullness of the moon in the sky. The light the moon reflected, cast upon the canyon in a way that made it almost look like it was underwater. I almost felt like jumping, and if I did, I would be greeted with the sharp feeling of cold water on my clothes and flesh. 

"Hi Senpai." I greeted and turned to him. He wasn't okay. "What's wrong senpai?"

"Nothing." He said quickly, but I noticed that watery smile. His eye was glassy and pink around the edges, somehow the whiteness of the moonlight let me see all those tiny imperfections on his face. 

"How did it go with Hidan?" I asked and his body tensed, then he took a long exhale of breath. 

"It..." His mouth pressed tightly together. "He likes me." My heart ached at that and I nodded.

"Of course he does, he would be stupid not to." I said, my throat felt strange, I wanted to throw up. 

"But we can't be together." There was a strange swarm of emotions that I felt through my body but the one I could feel the most was disappointment, of what, I wasn't sure.

"Why not? You both like each other!" I said and he nodded and laughed.

"It's against his religion." Deidara said and gave another tearful laugh. "Yeah, it's against his religion and he can't date me." I wasn't sure what to say to that.

"Tobi is sorry...I think Tobi is more disappointed than you, senpai." Deidara didn't respond to that. "Well... at least you know he likes you back." I prompted and Deidara glanced up at me with those slate blue eyes and his mouth in a firm frown.

"That somehow makes it worse." He said and sniffled when his voice cracked. That alone made me want to pull him in for a hug and just stop anything from hurting him. "Why do you have that stupid thing still?" He asked and flicked the daffodil. I wasn't sure at this point, the smell of a dying flower was not even slightly nice and the liquids it secreted started to stain the fabric keeping my mask in place. 

"Because senpai gave it to me~!" Deidara scoffed and grabbed the flower and yanked it from the strap and threw it over the side of the canyon. I watched it with curiosity as it fell apart as it descended to the bottom. "Why did you do that?" I asked and his eye was still locked on the flower. Once it was out of sight, he sniffed and picked himself up and I looked up at him, for once looming over me. 

"Because it was dying, hm. You don't need a disgusting flower."

"Tobi thought senpai would like picked flowers." I said seriously.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because, they are beautiful but they die and so does their beauty. They are an art that does not last forever. Just like senpai's explosions." He stared at me for a minute and shook his head slowly. "Is senpai gonna be okay?" Deidara nodded.

"I'll be fine, Tobi." I didn't know what to say to that but he seemed thoughtful. "Have you ever felt euphoria, Tobi? True unadulterated happiness?"

"Uh! Senpai asks such strange questions! I am unsure!" I said and looked at him frowning. He nodded, looking somewhat put out.

Deidara left and the canyon was consuming. I watched as it became more and more tempting to just jump into and the moonlight felt seductive somehow. I shook off any feelings of self deprecation and picked myself up as I always did and this time, in my mind, I told myself I would win Deidara's affections. 

Sometimes I would wake up from the sweetest dream of Deidara holding me so nicely and the numbness of reality would haunt me when my eyes opened and I looked into the darkness of the room. My heart ached with a need that I never felt so strongly before and I cursed the day fate brought Deidara to me and teased me with emotions I'd long forgotten. When I would watch Deidara do things through the day I would imagine how he would do those same chores but as mine and my heart stuttered in my chest and more than anything I wanted to win him over but I was unsure how. I told myself I would never have that light in my life, but perhaps I would?

What if Deidara fell in love with me too? Could he? Would he fall in love with someone like me? What did Hidan have that I didn't? Well, he was handsome, far better than me even if my face wasn't completely scarred. But he was a loudmouth, oh, I suppose I was too. He used such bad profanities that I didn't use. What else could there be?

I blinked myself back to reality and told myself if there was one way to get Deidara's affections, it wasn't to analyze what me and Hidan had in common and what was different. I wasn't sure what to do only that if it worked, I would be blessed.

***

Something about Deidara I noticed was that he was pretty starved for attention. Being an artist how he was and also an S-Ranked criminal, he didn't have an abundance of people swarming him to give him their affections. Plus, being the youngest member in the Akatsuki, he was treated almost like a child and he was easily irritated so kept himself away from everyone. All I had to do was show him that I was interested.

So I did.

Any time I saw him I would ask him about his clay. Did he make any new designs? Did he blow anything cool up? Did he want to?

Deidara thrived off the attention and would usher me to the canyon where he would show me the most magnificent explosions and for once in my life I saw the beauty in the destruction. 

I wanted to tell him that. It got lost in translation along the way, and somehow during the explosion, I managed to tell him,

"You're beautiful" when I meant the explosion. I wouldn't change a thing after seeing the way Deidara's cheeks flushed and a beautiful red color covered his face, the way his eyebrow curled up in confusion and shock and the softness of his eye when he looked at me. Yes, he was beautiful.

Deidara didn't respond to that, he didn't have to but I was given something that I didn't have before. The realization that Deidara wanted that kind of attention. He didn't yell at me for it. He just stared at me confused. If Deidara wanted someone to tell him how perfect he was, let that person be me. More than anything, I wanted Deidara to know what he meant to me, even if he didn't know it.

That's how it went for a few days. Sometimes he would seek me out to talk to me. I tried to continue annoying him but he didn't seem bothered by it anymore. 

Then there were sometimes he wouldn't go looking for me for days and I ached with loneliness. I wanted to go to him, to see if he was busy. A few times I did and I would find him just talking to Hidan, laughing at something Hidan said and I would vanish into the walls, not wanting to see Deidara and not show him how jealous I was. 

When he didn't talk to me for days, I saw him talk to Hidan each and every one. I couldn't breathe anymore. 

However, when he did talk to me... Those were the times I would remember for the rest of my life. The teasing words we shared. Sometimes they were on the verge of sexual. It left a burning sense of need in my heart. I wanted to touch him, to hold him. Do whatever it is I could've done to be with him all in that moment. I would give him forever if I had it. And if he kept taking it, well, that was fine by me. I was in so deep at that point, but, I didn't mind. God, I would've dug myself a grave if it meant keeping him smiling at me as he had. Seeing that beautiful smile every day of my life would've given me more than oxygen ever could have. It gave me a sense of purpose.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was strange, going years without confiding in someone, only to feel like if I didn't right now, I would throw up.

But who was there to talk to?

***

"Oh Tobi, hello friend~ How are you? Yes, what brings you to us this time?" Talking to Zetsu wasn't optimal, but who else was there?

"There's so much..." I sighed and took off my mask, tossing it to the floor. I didn't care to stay in character for my Tobi persona. It wasn't their first time seeing me this way so I didn't mind. 

"Oh no, you don't seem well, are you alright? **You're more brooding than normal. Tch. Uchihas.** " I frowned at Black Zetsu and paid closer attention to White Zetsu. I trusted him, not so much the darker half. 

"Who is a bigger fool than a man in love?" I asked with a slight head tilt. 

"Love? Oh, my friend, when did this happen? **Who's the unlucky bastard?** Oh that's an easy one, we know who it is. Tobi only flirts with one person after all. **Is it that blond tramp?** " I scowled at that. Deidara wasn't a tramp. " **Oh by the look on Tobi's face I'd say we hit that nail on the head. Shame, I thought he had better sense than that.** I wouldn't be so mean, Deidara is a great person I'm sure. Very handsome. **I bet you'd even like him if he gave you enough attention.** That's incredibly rude, I wouldn't take Deidara from Tobi like that. **It's a shame Deidara likes that zealot.** "

"You know about that?" I asked with a frown.

" **Everyone knows that.** It isn't very subtle." For whatever reason, that made my face warm and I averted my gaze, staring at the ground. "How long have you liked him? At least a while since you're clearly eager to talk about it."

"A few months, I guess..." White Zetsu's eyes widened slightly.

"And you haven't talked to anyone about it before now? You poor thing, you must be very stressed. I hear humans need to discuss their emotions- **We all know Tobi isn't like most humans. I hardly knew he had feelings. Especially to this caliber.** He's a human, I believe all of them can get feelings like this. **Do you want me to eat him?** Why would he want you to eat the man he loves? **He doesn't seem to be a very positive companion. I'm just trying to help.** "

"I don't need you to eat him." I said flatly. "I can handle this. It's just a crush. It'll go away. They always do..." I trailed off and stared at the ground. I'm sure they continued to speak but I couldn't think very clearly from that point. 

"I will talk to him."

"What?" My head snapped up and White Zetsu was smiling sweetly. "Don't do that. What kind of 5 year old-"

"Oh please, I'm sure you're curious to see what he says about his annoying partner when you aren't around~" White Zetsu blinked and Black Zetsu just rolled his eye. " **Whatever gets you to shut up.** "

"You're not just going and talking to Deidara-"

"I already am." I covered my face, feeling the blush burning my face."Oh look, he's blushing. I believe this means he is embarrassed. **I'd be embarrassed too.** " I opened my mouth to speak, Zetsu put his finger up to halt me from speaking. "Hm, how interesting. I think he likes you." My mouth opened and didn't quite close, I stood gaping for a second.

"W-what... What do you mean... wh..." I kept sputtering and Black Zetsu had mirth in his eyes, smirking at my obvious discomfort. "What did he say?"

"Oh I can't tell you that." The expression I made had Black Zetsu laugh out loud. "I'm a friend, a confidant, if you will."

"... He likes Hidan." I said quietly, Zetsu nodded. "I don't understand."

"He likes both of you." My eyebrows pushed together in anger.

"What kind of cop out answer is that? What is he saying?" Zetsu smiled.

"Maybe you two should talk." I looked down at the ground beneath me and sighed.

"He's been ignoring me." The sadness from that was overridden by the sheer anger I didn't know that I felt at the time. I was just so mad. "He won't talk to me. We don't have any missions together and he doesn't say anything to me but then sometimes he does and I'm just confused and... angry." 

" **Well, you're an angry person, so that isn't really much of a surprise.** " Black Zetsu deadpanned and White Zetsu sighed. "I'm unsure why he would ignore you if he likes you but I don't know much about humans, you're strange, fragile creatures with strange fragile emotions and egos." 

"I don't have a fragile ego or emotions." I countered and Zetsu stared at me for a second and sighed, shook his head and began to walk away. "Where are you going?"

"We've talked for quite some time, you need to talk to Deidara. That's all I'm going to say." Zetsu vanished into the walls and suddenly I was feeling lonelier than before. 

I couldn't talk to Deidara, he made it clear he didn't want to talk to me. How would I even make him talk to me? 

I put my mask back on and decided to wander around the hideout as quietly as I could. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't figure out how to get him near me. He'd been avoiding me more lately.

That's when I formulated a plan. It was an awful plan, really, but I didn't know where else to go from here. 

"Hey Tobi!" Kisame greeted with a smile and I laughed nervously. "What's wrong with you?"

"Kisame, my dear old friend, would you be... willing to do a... questionable favor for me?" Thank god he couldn't see the blush on my face, I was glowing. This was the most humiliating idea I had but I wasn't sure where else to go. Where was my sense of pride? This was so underhanded.

"Sure. What do you need?" He asked and looked at me with a smile. Most people found Kisame intimidating but I couldn't have been less scared of him if I tried.

"Um... Would you... be willing..." This is so much easier as Tobi. Put on the bravado. "Can you ask Deidara..."

"That isn't a question, Tobi." He said and chuckled.

"Okay... Uh. Well. I like Deidara." I admitted and he nodded, not looking the slightest bit surprised. "And Deidara, well... he won't talk to me. So I was thinking that maybe if he thought someone else was interested... he might... want to talk to me?" Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"Oh... kay..." He nodded slowly. "Alright. Um... Okay. I'll tell him... I want to set you up with somebody but he knows you best so I need his help. That should do it, right?" Kisame smiled again and I nodded nervously.

"Uh, yes! That should be good! Thank you, Kisame!" He gave me a thumbs up.

"Yeah, I'm about to leave on a mission with Itachi-san so I'll go do that before I go." Kisame said and left the room so quickly I forgot how to breathe.

Oh my god what did I do? Oh my god. This was such an embarrassing mistake. What is he going to even say to that? Oh I'm a moron.

Forever seemed to pass and Kisame came back into the room wearing an awkward smile on his face.

"Yes?"

"Uh... Heh, this is kinda funny but... Um, he said that he was trying to form something with you." I stared up at him, thankfully my mask was in place so he didn't see me gape at him. He might've guessed it though because he laughed again. "Well, good luck, Tobi. I gotta go."

I sat in the room, hugging my head, my body just burned with embarrassment and regret. That was such a dirty trick and I felt awful. Why did I feel so bad? Why-

"Oh, there you are, hm." My head jerked up to see the lopsided smile on Deidara's face. "I was looking for you."

"Y-you were? Oh. Hello, Deidara-senpai." I greeted and he sat down next to me and crossed his legs, lounging backwards. 

"What's got you all weird? How are you anyway, hm? I haven't spoken to you much." My heart was in my throat. God it hurt so bad. Everything just hurt. 

"I've been okay. You?" That wasn't a very Tobi thing to say, but I couldn't breathe. 

"Alright. Hey, I just wanted to catch up. I haven't really been around much." My mouth was dry. My arms trembled and I played nonchalant. 

"Oh! Deidara-Senpai doesn't have to worry about lil-ole-Tobi!" Deidara smiled at me and I couldn't breathe. I forgot how to breathe. 

"So, hey. Uh, weird but did you know someone was trying to hook you up with someone?" I forced a laugh. I hope it didn't sound too hysterical.

"Oh? With Tobi? Uh, who?" I was going to break down, I knew I was. Who could lie like this? This is so awkward and embarrassing and I felt nauseated. 

"Hoshigayki." He responded, smirking at his pun. I had to stop myself from making any noise. Man, he really threw Kisame under the bus there.

"I'm sure it was nothing." I responded and looked away, feeling these strange feelings gnaw my stomach. 

"It kinda made me realize something,hm."

"Hm? Yes, senpai?" 

"I didn't want anyone to be with you."

"Well, senpai, that's not very nice. Sharing is caring, after all. You'll still be my senpai-"

"I'm kinda soft on you." He said and tensed and looked away with a tight frown. The flush in his cheeks was enough to make my knees weak. My heart stuttered in my chest. 

"I don't know what that means." I strangled out and clenched my fists tightly.

"Don't make me spell it out for you, dumbass, hm!." He said and pouted and looked away. After a minute he closed his eyes and sighed. "I like you."

"But... You... Hidan?" Deidara smiled wistfully and nodded.

"We wouldn't have been good together, hm... He's a good friend though."

"And... we would be?" I asked and he pulled a face. He looked grumpy and embarrassed and I just wanted to kiss him.

"I don't know, hm!... Maybe?" 

In that moment everything was okay. With Deidara looking at me with those blue eyes I couldn't help but reach over grab his hand. It felt foreign in my gloved hand. He slipped it off and my hands felt clammy. His flesh felt smoother than any flower petal I could feel. He traced the scarring on my hand and stared at me curiously.

"Tobi, your mask?" I recoiled slightly, he didn't seem pleased but nodded. "One day. Soon." He threatened and I nodded to placate him but I wasn't sure if Tobi was ready for Deidara to find out that he wasn't Tobi. He was Obito. But Deidara smiled and for a second I could catch a glimpse of the word from earlier.

Euphoria, he called it. Yeah. I could get behind that word.

***

It was a routine mission. Something stupid. Something dumb.

Deidara and I were skating around the label of dating but in those moments I couldn't breathe I was so happy. To have him wake up and smile at me. To have him tease me. To have him play with my hair. Flirt with me. Just, the essence of Deidara was enough to keep me in a constant high I never wanted to come down from. I knew I was in love with him. 

But he said it first.

"I keep... I keep wanting to say I love you." He said one day while we sat by a fire, I was picking leaves off of berries for him to eat. I froze and looked up.

"Yeah?" My jaw trembled and my mouth felt numb. "Why do you think?" He gave me a bitch face and I forced a giggle. Tobi was better equipped at this than Obito was,I was thankful to hide behind the mask. 

"I'm thinking because I do." Deidara said and I felt my heart ache. God, how did someone like Deidara just walk into my life and turn it around like this. How could he make me feel this way? I didn't want to get off the wild ride that was Deidara and I didn't think I would ever have to. If he was my drug, I would gladly overdose. He was everything to me and if I couldn't have him close to me, I didn't know what I would do.

"I love you too, senpai." I said, softer than I meant to. Deidara wasn't looking at me but I saw the way his lips curled up into a secret smile and I fell even harder. "I've loved you for a long time." He looked at me curiously then seemed to stare passed me. He stood up and walked away. I watched him go curiously and when he came back, he handed me a flower with an angry blush on his face. He was so perfect when he was trying to be grumpy. 

"Because I threw away the last one I gave you." He said gruffly and I stared at the white orchid in my hands. My heart clenched with the implication. Undying love. When I stared at him, I felt it. The true, pure love I had for him.

"Thank you, senpai. I will hold onto it forever." I vowed and he rolled his eyes and rubbed his arm, uncomfortable by the romantic words. I smiled. I wanted to tell him all of them. I wanted to see his face and neck and shoulders warm with a blush because of my words. I wanted him to know exactly what he meant to me every single day. "You're perfect, senpai. And I would be honored if I could tell you how perfect you are every single day for the rest of my life." Deidara looked startled at the confession but his face darkened red and I felt a rush of pure emotion tingle through my body. "And when you forget, I will remind you. But I will tell you every day, no matter what, how perfect you are to me." He laughed awkwardly and looked away. I could tell he was pleased but Deidara was used to putting on a tough facade so I couldn't be too upset with him.

"What did I do to deserve you?" He asked and it sounded like a sarcastic question but the way he pursed his lips and had that tender smile on his lips, I knew he meant it. And for once, I was left without words. 

Deidara was everything good in my heart and I just wanted to bundle him up and never let him away from my side. He had the strangest effects on me and I hated it but thrived off of it. I had to live constantly in this state of anxiety since everything he did set my insides ablaze. I couldn't control my nerves around him. 

I was so in love. I fell for him and I fell so hard and fast, I didn't want to get up. I'd stay on the ground forever if it meant that I would have Deidara by my side.

I gripped the stem of the flower tighter in my hand.

Undying love. That's exactly how I felt for Deidara.

***

Nothing lasts. You think something is forever and then there's an anomaly. I couldn't help my moodiness. The plan for capturing the tailed beasts wasn't going exactly as I planned. The Akatsuki seemed to be dropping like flies. I didn't understand where everything was all going south but it was. And I couldn't help but freak out a bit. 

Nothing in this world could stop me from loving Deidara. I will love him until my dying breath. Sometimes when you get too comfortable, you start to push boundaries that you really shouldn't be pushing just to see what happens. Especially in a bad mood.

And boy, were we in bad moods.

Deidara was angry. I wouldn't take off my mask no matter how many times he asked me and then finally, I did. I took off my mask. I looked at the orchid hanging upside-down, now completely dried and dead and I took off my mask and I looked at Deidara. The love of my life. The only pure love I'd ever felt and I looked at him and I was angry. 

"Tobi?" His own anger was simmered out momentarily and he stared at me with wide eyes. "Y-you have... You're an Uchiha?" He asked and I don't know why I did this, to this day I couldn't understand why I had such a reason to sabotage myself, the only happiness I'd felt in... probably ever. 

"I don't think this is working out. We should end this." Deidara stared at me, as if he'd been smacked and his mouth opened, then shut. He clenched his jaw, I could tell by the dimples in his cheeks. 

"Okay. I won't argue with you." My heart jumped. What? Why? "If that's what you want. We aren't really what each other needs, right now." My eye widened and my heart hammered against my chest. I was... what? It didn't even make sense! That's not how that was supposed to go! And what the hell does he mean? Not what each other needs now? I worshipped him! I did every single thing for him! I'm not what he needs? I felt burned. The words stung and I lashed out.

"You're right. You aren't what I need." I regretted the words as I said them, but not enough to stop. I was hurt and angry and... I spent forever pining over him, and I felt like I did everything to make sure he was happy and this is what I get in return? He doesn't put up a fight? Deidara. The person who's always fighting, couldn't fight to keep me? Would he have fought for anyone else? Would he have fought for Hidan? Did I not mean enough?

"I'm going." He shook his head. I could tell he was upset but-but... What did he have to be upset about? 

"Deidara-"

"I need to go, Tobi." He gave a distrustful look at my face. There was a pained expression on him and then he flew away. He was gone.

I stared at his form as he disappeared into the sky and I felt frozen to that spot. Should I go after him? No. I should let him cool down. Once we were both calm, we would talk about it. We would talk it out and everything would be fine. This was our first fight. We would figure things out. We had to. I just needed him to calm down first. That's all this was. Him calming down.

Until it wasn't.

***

I stood in the field, destroyed by Deidara's biggest bomb. I had such a feeling of numbness all around my body. Except my heart. I couldn't feel my fingers and toes, but I felt the painful ache in my chest, the one that made it hard to breathe. The one I couldn't understand how things went from cloud 9 to the absolute dumpster fire it was now. I stood in the field, the epicenter of the explosion. Deidara would have died right here.

Deidara was dead. He was dead. There wasn't getting him back. There wasn't mending broken hearts. I couldn't do anything. He was dead and I didn't get to tell him how sorry I was. I didn't mean to take my anger out on him I didn't mean to let him think the last thing before he died was that I didn't want to be with him. 

Deidara went out how he wanted to go. An explosion. I bet it was the most beautiful explosion in the world. He was dead now though. He was dead and no one else could create art like him. No one else could get me so interested in their projects. No one else but Deidara. 

The best way I could describe Deidara was he was an anomaly in my life. He always had been. From the moment I met him I was drawn to him. I wanted him to notice me. Which I suppose, why I called him Senpai. To be funny. Begging for his attention. I didn't like boys. I liked Deidara. I'd never been sexually interested in anyone but Deidara was a different ballgame. He entranced me like no one else did and I won't find anyone like him. 

Orchids mean undying love but you find them at funerals. I suppose Deidara predicted this. That he would die, and I would never stop loving him. He once asked me what he did to deserve me but what he didn't understand was he wasn't trying to make me fall in love with him, I just did. And I loved everything about him, even the annoying parts. I hated that he asked that question, it made me feel like he looked down on himself. If he did, he shouldn't. I hope he knows that with all the doubt he had about himself, he was my dream come true. 

"To answer your question, Deidara..." I sat down in the crater and took off my gloves, pressing it to the dirt below, trying to find some hidden warmth that would suggest he was here not too long ago. That he was there and alive. "I have felt euphoria."

A tear slid down my face, then another one. And another one. I couldn't believe he was gone. I just wanted him back. Why was he gone? Please, just come back. I'll be better. I won't hurt you again if you just come back. 

Suddenly Infinite Tsukuyomi didn't seem much different than my dreams. I knew I would wake up every night I slept from a dream where Deidara was still mine, and he was still alive. My body felt like I had glass shards in my veins and the faster my heart beat, the quicker it ripped me up from within.

"Because every second, minute, and any time I was besides you..." I hiccuped on a sob.

"That was true Euphoria."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story with someone in mind. For the most part, it was our love story. But not everything lasts. 
> 
> This was cathartic to write and I did cry a lot writing this so my writing is messy, I apologize. Especially if it seems rushed. I know there was probably more fluff wanted than angst but I couldn't write the fluff as I wanted to.


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